The Evil Bitch and Her Good Deed
Once upon a time, in a town full of gambling addicts and prostitutes lived a beautiful young lady. 
She was a nice, thoughtful, and compassionate lady but when pushed she had a super power that turned her into dismissive bitch…Okay so I will cut the crap and admit it: I am the beautiful young lady.
I work near a very busy intersection in Las Vegas where you cross that street at your own risk. Every now and again I take that risk for a visit to the little donut shop on the corner. I was in a particularly good mood this morning and as I am heading to the intersection to cross the street I notice a blind man limping his way to the stop light cane in hand and dark shades on his eyes as he presses the button at the cross walk. 
I stand quite a distance back to make sure he has room to maneuver his cane and get off the curb safely. I look up to the sky and give God a nod for my gift of sight and say a little prayer that this guy makes it across 8 lanes of traffic sans hit and run. Cars are zooming by at speeds higher than the 45 mph legal limit and I notice Mr. Blind Man stepping off the curb. Now, being the nice, thoughtful, and compassionate person that I am; I jump in front of the man throwing my arm across his abdomen the way you do to prevent a child from being jerked forward when you have to make an immediate stop in the car. I admonished the man and told him it was not time for him to cross yet and he should wait for the voice on the intercom to let him know it was safe for him to cross. I also let him know (because obviously someone had not told him) that the voice on the intercom was made especially for blind people so they know when to cross.
Mr. Blind Man, with a disgusted look that communicated a fusion of “why are you touching me, “and “you’re lucky you are a woman or I might have socked you one in the right eye,” pushes me off of him and lets me know (because obviously someone had not told me) with just as much admonition, “I know I can’t cross yet and I am NOT blind.” I step back and sincerely state, “Oh well I am sorry. This is a busy intersection and cars were still zooming past so when you stepped off the curb I assumed you couldn’t see.”
“So just because I step off a curb you think that makes me blind? I was stepping of the curb because I got this limp and I wanted the extra time to get across the street.”
“Well this street is not the safest place for you to step of f the curb because these people on the road drive crazy.”
He mumbles, “Yes and some people walking on the road are crazy.”
At this point I am livid because I was just trying to help him out. How was I supposed to know he wasn’t blind? Now if he was blind and I just let the man start crossing all the crazy driving people would have had the fingers wagging in my face asking me why I didn’t help the visually impaired man when he tried to walk into oncoming traffic. Ok so he wasn’t blind and he didn’t need my help so why all the attitude? I was trying to do right thing and not the wrong thing so he could be a little more appreciative that there were still considerate people in the world. But nooooo, Mr. Blind Man (who’s actually not blind) had the nerve to cop an attitude with me! And within seconds my super powers over came me and the dismissive bitch was on the scene to rectify the situation.
“Your limping ass is walking around here with a damn cane and shades. The average person would think you were a blind man. At least I cared enough to take the risk that you might not be blind and attempt to help you anyways. But forget that, have fun crossing the street. Your wobbly legs and your cane now have 25 seconds to get you across Charleston Boulevard.” The light changes and I speed walk across the intersection knowing he can actually see my dust as he eats it.
And that is how the evil bitch did her good deed for the day. Like I stated earlier; I am nice, thoughtful, and compassionate until you push me. And Mr. Blind Man (who’s not actually blind) pushed me.
Independence Day: Part 2
Independence Day- Part 2
I have a really good friend who is about 25 years my senior. **Side-note** it is good to keep friends who are a bit older than you if nothing but for the sake of watching someone go through what you may eventually go through and taking notes. Anyhow, a while back this dear friend of mine asked me about when I planned to get married. I let her know the plans were in order just as soon as the nice guy with some financial stability (not including hustles and illegal means of revenue), intelligence, all of his teeth, a good heart, and a power stroke came along I was ready and willing. We laughed it off but she got serious and told me, “Look if you actually want to be married one day then you really need to get on it. Not because you are getting older or that all the good men will be taken but because you are spending more of your adult life independently and being married is hard to do when you have spent most of your adult life doing what you want to do, how you want it done, and when you want to do it.”
Essentially she was saying, the more time I spend “unmarried” the more I will get stuck in my ways and it will be harder to compromise when it comes to being married. So being the argumentative personality I am, I had to respectfully disagree. I have met so many men and women who complain about having gotten married so young and never got to experience just being on their own and doing their own thing and not worrying about what anyone else had to say about it. So I relish in the idea of some nights not wanting to do the dishes or some weeks letting the laundry pile up, or playing my music really loud, or staying up late reading, or eating ice cream in bed, or becoming the freakazoid neat freak that can sniff out a speck of dust with utter frustration and do it all without annoying another human being at all (except Amira of course but she has no choice in the matter.)
I also had to make mention of the fact that being independent for so long allowed me the opportunity to know myself a little better and make a better decision than some when it came to choosing a life partner. I know what type of personality and living habits will work well with my own so I probably won’t be the type of woman to marry just for love. Yeah I need to know we can work well together. I am by no means a traditional woman so as much as I may love someone know better than to marry a man who believes his wife should do all the cooking, cleaning, and submit to his final authority. Not gonna happen over here! If we’re not doing it together then what do I need a partner for?
My brother is always talking to my mom worried that I won’t find anyone. He is scared I will end up alone. It’s comical to me only because he doesn’t see how I feel like he may end up alone because he got married to soon. I know he and his wife may not want to hear that but I do know deep down that they probably both find some truth in it just the same. I would rather be IN-dependent before CO-dependent any day. I have seen many lives so intertwined in love and misery that the path to true fulfillment in life becomes nothing short of a complicated maze.
However, I do take his concerns and my friend’s concerns with much credence. Could there possibly be a state of too much independence? Can a person become too self-reliant crippling their ability to become dependent on anyone for anything, even love? Perhaps. I can see how living an overly independent life can lead to being more controlling, uncompromising behavior but I don’t think I am at that place just yet. I don’t live my life in complete solitude. I am around family and friends as much as possible. I ask others’ opinion on certain matters, and if you ask my dad on his paydays I am still very dependent on him so I think I know how to rely on someone I deem trustworthy and dependable.
So as we celebrate the founding fathers Declaration of Independence I also celebrate my own. When they signed the Declaration of Independence on that July 4th, 1776 they didn’t do so without an alliance. They had the help of the French, the Spanish, and the Dutch in combating the British army. And I also have the alliance of my friends and family as I declare my own independence, my own inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness because I know it’s my happiness that they are ultimately concerned with.
Independence Day: Part 1
Independence Day- Part 1
This was me and Amira’s first Fourth of July together in about 3 years. Being the jetsetter she is, Amira is usually away visiting family somewhere during the fourth of July while I stayed home doing who knows what. There were no plans set in stone except I did want to take her to the movies because we both couldn’t wait to see the third installation of the Transformers movie franchise.
There was an Independence Day Jubilee at the park so I took her there so we could listen to the bands and grub on carnival snacks and watch the fireworks a couple of days before the fourth. We had fun just her and me but she wasn’t as excited as I hoped she would be. She kept asking me if I invited anyone to come with us and I said yes but since the park was a bit of a distance away from most of the rest of the family I didn’t expect anyone to come. Being an only child she is very familiar with independence. She often plays independently, watches television independently, eats independently, etc. so she craves group socialization. Since it’s usually just she and I, it isn’t seen as anything special or unique or holiday-like when we just hang out together because we do that all the time. I often feel like the greatest let down I have given my daughter is not giving her any siblings. It is such an inner battle between feeling justified in not wanting to be the single mother of more than one child (one kid to raise alone was definitely more than enough for me) and feeling like my daughter is missing out on certain childhood experiences that only occur with having siblings; like getting in trouble together, getting blamed for something the other one did, always having someone to play with, someone to share secrets with, someone to laugh at mom with, etc. I look back at my childhood now and think about how much fun I actually did have with my brothers and sister even though at the time I wished my parents would have just had only me and then my life would have been perfect.
It’s funny because I have friends who also have one child their kids don’t seem to mind being the only child. They don’t beg for a brother or sister or feel sad when they see other kids playing with their siblings like Amira does. So then I feel like well maybe she was a soul that wasn’t meant to be an only child.
So on this Independence Day she did not get what I used to get every summer growing up. There was no dad on the grill arguing with her auntie, no cousins in the yard throwing water balloons and lighting fireworks, no scheming to see whose house they would all stay the night at, no family sing along, or spades or dominoes games breaking out, instead it was just she and I at the movies, then off to visit my mom and then off to visit my dad. She said she had fun but I know that was just her response for my sake. She did nothing but talk about how last year when she was in Michigan with her Auntie Wendy and Uncle Ken how the whole neighborhood got together and they played all day and all night and watched fireworks and got to light fireworks, and they went to the lake, and they went to someone else’s house for barbecue. But what could I do? Even though I live in the same city as the majority of my family we are all truly independent. My aunt and uncle really don’t do many family gatherings (although they are getting better at it) my brother has his own wife and family, my mother lives alone, my dad is remarried, my sister never has her kids so she does her own thing, my other brother is a bum so I am sure he was somewhere bumming off someone, my cousins all have the same story, married, other family, no plans, etc. So, basically everyone was doing their own thing as we normally do. It used to make me sad because we weren’t always like this. And especially when I see other families get together or if a friend invites me to be with their family for a special occasion or for no reason at all, I think why does it seem so hard for my family to be able to do things like this together? And also, maybe if there were more times like this then maybe Amira would not feel so bad about being an only child. Almost the way a woman my coo over a cute, soft, precious, sweet-smelling, newborn but then be filled with delight to hand the baby back to its mother when it’s time for a diaper change or the baby gets too fussy. Maybe she would get her fill of the big group life and then be glad it’s back to just me and her.
Either way, Amira and I rang in Independence Day 2011 independently dependent on one another. And what I hope is that one day she will look back on these days and cherish having her mother all to herself and eventually become grateful for the bond our independence has created for us.
Beyonce, who?
Where your confidence lies is how people will be attracted to you. So if your self-confidence is in your looks then more often than not, people will befriend you or be inclined to date you based on your appearance. If your self-confidence is in your sense of humor then people will usually find you funny and like you the more because of it. When I think about where my self-confidence lies, I have to say it’s not in my appearance (although I do know I am sexy-fine) I can say I know I am not the most beautiful woman in the world and I really don’t worry about the fact that I am not. And even though I think I am exceptionally funny and I know I could achieve tremendous success as a comedienne my confidence isn’t in that either. I think my self-confidence lies in my personality. I often say I am an acquired taste, just like a fine wine or gourmet dish where the palate must be mature to truly appreciate it. I am definitely not for everybody but most people with any level of sophistication and authenticity in their own lives usually take a liking to me. I am also confident in my intellect. I am not a know-it-all (although some may argue act like one from time to time) but I desire to know it all and I am capable of learning. Everyone does not know how to learn and understand complex concepts, whether about math, philosophy, art, etc. I know how to know a thing. And finally I would say my confidence lies in my ability to be a good friend. I am not a perfect friend but I do fully appreciate the value of friendship. So I try to lead my actions and conversations with my friends based on that high value. I also think that is why I can honestly say I have some really great friendships.
Now all of that leads me to a question I have been contemplating the past few days. Why does it seem that only unavailable (emotional or otherwise) men are the ones who recognize how great of a woman I am? I came up with a theory to answer these questions. Okay now this is going to move quickly so follow along closely:
- I. Premise: We attract people based on where our self-confidence lies
- II. Premise: Men are mostly visual creatures and normally experience attraction based on physical appearance
- III. Inference: If a man is unavailable he will tend to attempt to reel in his attraction to other women by maintaining his interaction with them on an intellectual and platonically friendly level in order to avoid the temptation of cheating.
- IV. Conclusion: If my self-confidence (which is what others will find most attractive about me and what will attract people to me) is in my intellect, personality, and friendship then unavailable men who would only be seeking to know me on those levels are the ones most likely to recognize this about me. Hence this is why so many unavailable men find themselves attracted to me.
So according to this argument the next logical step would be for me to increase my self-confidence in my physical appearance in order to attract available men. Now this is not to say that unavailable men aren’t and don’t act on physical attraction. Because ((hand-raised)) believe me I know they do. However, if I am trying to balance my attraction with more available men than unavailable men then I think it would be necessary to play to the tendencies of available men. Well that in turn just presents another conundrum because I don’t want someone to want me based on my looks, because hell I have some bad days where my hair is in a bun, I am in flats, and I am wearing my comfortable clothes (not my sexy clothes), and I still want this person to want me. I want someone to want me and be mainly attracted to me because I am an awesome friend to them, because we can have a good time together no matter what we’re doing, because I am smart, and because I have a good heart.
Now, of course I want someone who does find me physically attractive. Everybody wants to be wanted and desired. But what I am saying is I don’t want that to be the main ingredient to their attraction to me. Because if it is, when the woman who is prettier, sexier, thinner, more voluptuous, etc. comes a long then I run the risk of jealousy and fear of “losing” this person because there is always someone more “something” than I am.
BUT no one is more “Alcinia” than I am and I can be confident in me. So if the guy is attracted to the virtues that make up my “Alcinia-ness” then he can meet Beyonce one on one for a candle-lit dinner in a secluded hotel room off a
remote island near Fiji and I won’t worry about it because as sexy-fine as Beyonce is, she’s not Alcinia and she never ever could be me. And he will be sitting there saying “Beyonce who?” … Well maybe not really, but you all get my point.
I guess in all of that I am just left with appreciating the fact that the unavailable men recognize my fabulosity while I dodge their come-ons and suggest that they hook me up with one of their single friends that are at least 5’11, no kids, good credit, and a killer smile.
Personal Legend
Sometimes our prayers get answered without us realizing it. A couple of years back I was at this crossroad of “what to do with my life?” I didn’t want to be one of those people who spent 20 years doing something they hat
ed only to realize they had always wanted to do something totally different with their lives. Then again I didn’t want to be one of those people who spent 20 years chasing a dream. I mean, I have a daughter to feed, clothe, and house so I needed to be practical about how to make money now!
Then, I got this challenge from my friend Ms. Erica Page to do this 30-day letter challenge. This challenge meant that I was to blog a letter to a different person every single day for 30 days. And in typical Alcinia fashion I only got about half way through the 30 letter and in about triple the time. But what can I am an artist (prounounced: ar-teest) and you have to feel for it to be worth anything of value. But this challenge set off a fire storm of recognizing my gift and my talent of writing both within myself and also by others.
I have had this blog for quite a few years now and other than close friends and family I never had much traffic to the site. But once I joined the challenge and I started publicly sharing the blog with others the traffic easily doubled. The blessing in that was people began to share with me the effectiveness of my writing. I have had numerous personal messages emailed and inboxed to me from Facebook of people telling me how my writing had affected them and how they enjoyed it. There were people who I would have never thought would take the time to read a blog responding to me and without me realizing it; reaffirming to me what my gift and my talent was.
See I believe we can only be happy when our gifts and talents are used in a way that sustains us, whether it is being used to sustain us financially or emotionally or even physically. If we aren’t using them and cultivating them then I think we become most miserable. John W. Gardner, a former US Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare under the Lyndon B. Johnson Administration said, “True happiness involves the full use of one’s power and talents.” And at that time I was totally unsure of what my talent was or how to use it to sustain me which also made me so unhappy with myself and with my life. I felt I had no goals and no direction and that is a terrible place to be in. But through this blog and all the responses I have received (both negative and positive) I have come to realize my personal legend. I have realized the talent that I possess that I can use to sustain me. It is my writing.
For now my writing is just sustaining me emotionally and spiritually. My soul 
needs to write like my body needs water; it can only go so long without it. But now I am working on getting my talent to sustain me financially. I want a job that does not feel like work at all but feels like the reason God blessed me with mercy of a brand new morning when I open my eyes. So now I have determined my gift and I am following my personal legend, and all without realizing my prayer had actually been answered.
